well you fell on your knees to beg for me to get out of this trecherous land.
well you didn't know that you were journeying with me the moment you offered your hand.
well we walked and walked through the darkened roads until i heard you swore.
and you turned to me with my hands in yours.
you looked into my eyes and start to say.
can you just stop pretending for a day?
i look at you with pain evident in your eyes.
and i just broke down and cry.
but i stopped when i realised that it was all just a scam.
you were just trying to show the world who i am.
you were trying to make me fall.
you were trying to break down these walls.
well you said that all you tried to so was help.
well i put up these walls to protect myself.
then you put your arms around my waist.
and i looked up and saw tears flowing down your face.
you said that everything you did was all for me.
and that you love me for who i am and who i might be.
you might think that i do not know.
all the sufferings you had to endure.
but i knew about every single time.
you tried to stand up for me and took a bash to your pride.
so let me tell you that i love you.
for everything you have done for me and what you're willing to do.


yes, these are time when i missed pet. i was flipping through her diary when i saw this entry. i guess it is not secret who this is for right clarie? i know who you talked to last night. i just hope you do not say anything to the other party.
especially not the things i went through when i was with you and pet.
i would like to keep each and every friendship of mine idividual please. i know that we are on a break right now. from each other. cause everything is sucha mess right now. for my life personally.
clarie, i'm not going to reget the decisions i made. and i know that you were trying to stand up for me. and i don't hate you. i was just angry and disappointed that you reacted the same way i did. to decide to take matters into your hands. and i'm feeling guilty now. because i didn't stand up for you when people brought you down. and i brought you down with my words. because i've been thinking. thinking alot really. about the things that have been happening so far. you, me, everyone else in my life. and i think its time i know who i really important in my life.
and you my darling. are fucking important.
class is different without you. cause i have noone to go to and hug as and when i want to. no one to protect me. in school. from sick perverts. and i still don't understand why i have one in everysingle class. gosh. no one to force em to eat breakfast and lunch and still eat after school. and dinner whn i get back home. when i'm with you. i eat five freaking meals a day. cause i would meet you to go to school together and you would already have gotten me something to eat. and then there is break. and the second break where we eat so much. and when school ends. you'll bring me out to eat again. and still, i have to go home for dinner.
i remember all the fights we almost got into. in BOMB. and pet will always be the one to make everything alright. how we challenged each other to down as many shots of vodka as possible. when you know that you hate vodka. and when we tried a new drink together. and how i stopped drinking altogether. that particular acciction that you were upset about because i don't get to spend fun times with you anymore. those sleepless nights out. and when were at your place. it gets worse. we get high on everything we talk about. and dear pet will laugh her head off with the stupid things we would say. the shopping trips that i dread with you. because you're so bloody indecisive. but you pay for everything.
i miss it when you're so blunt. and so vulgar sometimes. infront of me and pet. i miss your bitchy side sometimes. cause this way i know that i'm not really the only one. and how you'd come up with plans just so i'd get what i want. but i never listen.
i miss going to your church. and helping out with the dance ensemble there. how you'd be so sick of them. they never lisen to you cause you'd be too damn lazy to shout at them because you're tired from the night before. and i do the job for you. shouting until my throat hurts. and we'd start laughing at each other.
and how you'd just leave me and pet alone when i needed to cry to pet. you were always there weren't you? and tried to stadn up for me but i didn't realise it.
we both need this. this loss that we both have to face. we can't face it together. because we do it differently. we loved her differently. and now i'm in a phase where i need to sort everything out. and i know you do. i need to identify the chains thats keeping me from being happy.

the bounce in my step.
the shine in my eyes.
the willingness to smile.
the enthusiasm in everything i do.
and how excited i get with everything i do.
and how sugar would make me high. and it works better than vodka.
and the blissful look i would have after i've eaten really bitter chocolate.
the look in my eyes that never fail to tell you that i want to have fun.

that was how you used to describe me. and i still have that little note. and your blunt sexual notations.
bottom line,
i miss you. really badly.
the songs we would sing at the top of your lungs, totally out of key. and burst out laughing and pet would come in and look at us with that dumb face of hers and we would laugh at each other even more. until my tummy hurts.
it won't be long my dear. until i have you in my life again. until everything is alright.
thank you for giving me the time needed to do this. thank you for the space you're ever so willing to give me. and all the you were willing to do for me.

pet, these memories of you. just makes me smile.
it just makes me want to shout out.
I LOVE YOU PETINA SNG!
and i love you for everything you have done, and everytime you've been there.
you're not here anymore.
i may miss you. but i hope you know that i can see you everytime i want to.
cause you're still living in my heart.
i love you pet.
you're my bitch.
you still are.
and you're mine just as much as i am yours.
these words you always love to say.